When dreams evade you
in both light and night
yet, with your eyes open
still nothing happens
When you are granted time
you linger until out of time
At night, your mind wonders
you kid yourself to action
But in the morning you falter
You get back to where you started
today makes me sad
right now’s making me cry
i feel cold and blue
i feel like i’m about to burst
i dread tomorrow
of what i won’t have to hold
i’m grieving yesterday
of what could have been
i’m lost today
i’m a grenade
if you touch me, i’ll pop like a balloon
if you dare speak,
i’ll just stare at you hoping i disappear
but not for long.
i want to live.
i want to be happy.
i want to be able to face the sun with a smile on my face
i want to hold a hand other than mine when i walk outside
i want to feel light
like there’s no yoke on my shoulders
i want to dance unabashed by eyes full of judgment
i want to feel free
to be who i want to be
whatever that could be
i want to be proud of me
i need to feel alive
i need these tears to go down
so i could wipe them and dry
i need to sob,
i need to heave
i need to not stop it happening
i need someone
a word, a touch, a look
but sometimes i want to be alone
but not for long.
because i want to live.
Hindi ko pinili ang saktan ka.
Pero iyon ang resulta ng iyong ginawa.
Hindi ko ginusto na umiyak ka, bumagsak ang balikat, magmukhang kawawa.
Pero iyon ka, dahil kinumpronta.
Hindi ko ninais na mahirapan ka.
Pero ikaw din ang may sala.
Hindi ko naisip, na ako pa ang magtutulak sayo palayo.
Dahil ikaw, sinagad mo ako.
Hindi ko pinangarap na maging ganito–Kontrabida sa paningin mo.
Hindi ganito ang pagkatao ko.
Pero nilabas mo to.
Hindi masaya ang makita kang nagdurusa.
Pero sa bawat pagtanggi mo ng mga katotohanang alam ko na,
sa bawat hakbang para mapaniwala ako sa mga kasinungalingan mo
sa bawat “hindi” na ang totoo’y “oo”,
sa bawat “oo” na hindi naman magkakatotoo–
Nasasaktan ako.
Kasi mahal pa din kita kahit kinamumuhian kita.
At nakakalungkot, na alam kong mawawala din ang poot,
pero mabubura na ang tiwala, mapapalitan ng kirot.
At this moment, I’m seeing NEEDINESS as a bad guy that controls another human being. And CONSCIENCE is his ally. It strips you of FREEDOM and makes you sad. It makes you question, “Why are you for?”.
Because other people NEED you? And if you’re not?
When is being good a hindrance? Or does HELPING someone because they need you something that you should even question?
My CONSCIENCE says, its the way of life. Its a sin turning back on someone.
But what if by giving you’re losing a bit of your core?
But what if, you’re only thinking of this because of the person involved and not HELPING in general? Am I being bias, right now?
Oh, I think its giving when you’re not ready. That’s when it becomes a chaos within.
If it’s not wholehearted, it’s giving wasted.
If it’s not voluntary, you’ll feel USED and not FULFILLED.
See there, when you give away some, you get filled.
But right now, I’m not.
Hmm, where did it go wrong?
Ang mga bituin sa langit, unti-unti akong nilalamon ng kanyang kahiwagaan
Nakamamangha ang kinang na dulot ng kanyang kamatayan
Ang mga bituin na napapalibutan ng kadiliman, ng kanyang hangganan
Sa kanyang katapusan, minulat ka sa mga pangarap na mahirap simulan
Ngunit masarap isipin, pag-laruan, palaguin at pilit na gustong abutin
Hindi madali sa ilalim ng bituin, kung saan ang maliit na dumi ang laging napapansin
Hindi madali kung ang bawat pausbong na liwanag na binuhay ng pangarap, kikitisin ng taong nilamon ng dilim
Hindi madali na makita ang kinang ng pumanaw ng bituin kung nakapiring kang titingin
Hindi madali magpakawala, kalimutan ang mga humahadlang, ng mga boses na pumipigil para makita ang liwanag na meron sa gabing madilim
Mahirap maniwala kung sarado ang paniniwala na sa kawalan, may kinang pa ding masisilip, may pag-asa kahit katiting
Mahirap pero pipiliin pa ding magpasakop sa silaw ng mga bituin.
Life at 20s is like a clock that stops ticking
It’s hoping you get the time to figure things out before it takes over
It’s dreaming that you stay younger but wiser
It’s believing it’s okay to wander, that you’ve got time to wonder
It’s learning you are not as capable as others
It’s doubting the goals you set to reach your dreams
Its promising the world they’d look for you on a google search (because, why not?)
It’s contradicting yourself because you second-guess
It’s exploring the world and comparing them to the books and lectures you have been told
It’s procrastinating while your mind plan a future
It’s a life you never want to end because it gives you hope
that mistakes may still be forgiven
that excuses might still be accepted
that you are still someone who can afford to fail and still be accepted
where the world is still lenient
And yet, the clock is never still…
It will be recharged and the hands will continue to move
Even then, time knows no bound
20s will be 30s, and so on…
Life goes on.
ilang beses akong nasabihan na “galit” ako
ilang beses nilang pinaramdam na ang opinyon ko’y di na kailangang pakinggan
ilang beses nang ang pananamit, estilo ng buhok, maging ang bangs, pati ang hugis ko — hindi sila makontento
na para bang may say sila sa katawan at porma ko,
na para bang maharlika silang dapat sundin,
na para bang sinakop nila ako, alipin at sila ang amo ko
ilan sa kanila, mga taong di ako kilala
ilan sa kanila, akala kilala ako
ilan sa kanila, mga taong mahal ko
alin ba sa mga sinasabi nila ang dapat sundin?
alin ang bibigyang pansin?
alin ang kaya kong indahin?
minsan, sa bigat ng kalooban ay bubuhos ang luha
minsan, sa sakit ng mga salitang nabasa, narinig ay mapapaluhod sa panghihina
minsan, napapakita ko to sa taong kung sinong malapit
madalas, pagkatapos ibuhos ang lungkot
gigisingin ka ng mundo,
kukuyugin ka ng mga responsibilidad mo
papaalalahanin ka na tumatakbo ang mundo,
hindi umiikot sayo,
tumahan ka na sa pag-iyak
punasan ang mukha,
huminga ka,
harapin muli ang ginagawa
kasabay niyan ang pakiramdam na parang hinubaran sa taong napagbuhusan ng emosyon
kasabay nang takot na dulot ng pagpapasilip mo nang iyong pagkatao, ng kahinaan mo:
ang opinyon ng ibang tao
lalo na ng galing sa mga taong mahal mo
pagkatapos ay ang pagsuko.
pagsuko na iparating ang saloobin mo.
pagsuko na ipaliwanag na ang babae kapag natangay ng kanyang emosyon hindi galit kundi gipit
gipit sa oras na kayang ilaan ng mundo upang pakinggan ito
gipit sa pag-unawa dahil natatakot ang ibang mailugar sa tama
gipit sa pera dahil nalalamangan sila
gipit sa respeto dahil “inaangkin” sila
gipit sa kalayaan dahil makapangyarihan sila,
kapag pinalaya mo, bubuka ang pakpak at lilipad, aangat, mas malayo sa narating mo
pero hindi gaya ng mga taong nanglalamang, babalik ang babae sa lupa, magpapakumbaba
bubuhay ng bata, uunahin ang pamilya
Inspired by Omar and Osly
Magkamukha, madalas sabihin ng iba.
Bakit hindi nila nakikita ang tunay na katauhan nating dalawa?
Oo pala. Magkamukha hindi lang sa mukha, pati sa damit, sa lahat ng gamit.
Oo nga pala. Pati sa kurso, sinundan kita.
Lumayo tayong dalawa sa mga mapanghusgang mga mata.
Lumipad tayo. Sinubok mangarap ngunit nadala.
Nagising akong gusto na ding lumayo sa yo.
Dahil sa mundong ating narating, nasundan tayo ng mga matang nagdidikta, nanlalamang, mapanghusga!
Kinulong muli tayo sa hawla, na ikaw ay ako at ako ay ikaw!
Ang pagkakaibang kanilang makita — pagkukulang ng isa.
“Tignan mo siya, naiiba.”
“Bakit hindi ka tumulas sa kanya, nangunguna?”
Sa puntong ito, ginusto kong basagin ang salamin at hindi pumares sa iyong mga adhikain.
Ginusto kong kumawala at ganun ka din.
Nagwagi sila, pinaramdam nila na tayo’y magkalaban.
Sa aking pag-iisa, niyakap ko ang kawalan, ang espasyo na dati mong kinalagyan.
Nahanap ko ang sarili kong pagkakakilanlan.
Tama nga pala ako.
Tama ang naiisip ko noon na pilit kong binabaon.
Magkaiba nga tayo, tol.
Masaya ako sa katahimikan, mas kampante kasama ang mga kaibigan.
Pinipili ko ang aking susuyuin, mas gusto mo namang jowain saka kilatisin.
Marami pa, bro.
Pero ito ang sigurado — marami pa tayong madidiskubre sa ating mga sarili.
At ito pa ang tumino sa eksperimentong ito —
namiss kita, Tol!
Hindi ikaw ang kalaban.
Walang kailangang patunayan sa mga taong hindi kailanman matatahimik sa katotohanan.
Mahal kita, Tol!
— Ang Proud Mong Kambal
It hurts my heart. Knowing I may never make my mother understand why I am who I am.
I am who I am because of their decisions, of my upbringing and of them not witnessing my growing years.
I have been sharing my pain, begging her to understand why I am what I am.
That this is the product of my circumstances when let me be on my own.
I have spoken and written words, was brought to tears, dried my throat, hanged a call, thrown tantrums I am not proud of and I don’t know anymore.
I feel like a restless tiger inside a cage who just wants to be embraced.
But I think I have to stop fighting this.
And live NOW. I know somehow that if I keep at this I could loose myself entirely.
I must let go and not let this define me. I knew of that. But it is so hard to accept defeat when I know they are the core of my being.
When I know that I haven’t felt known to them.
I want to believe I am reaching the end of this desperation of being accepted and understood. My heart is tired. My mind is loosing focus. I must not. I must stop. I must GROW. I have to let go of the child who was left behind. The child whose innocence was snatched because no one was looking.
They say they sacrificed a lot for me.
And all I’m saying is I did too and I hurt.
I pray I won’t have to tell some hard truths Because I don’t think she will handle it well.
I don’t have to hurt, right?
For now, I’ll keep my secret and pretend to be what they want.
I’ll find my way. Someday.
I am writing this with hurt and fresh feelings.
Still, I’ll continue writing it for it matters to me and these thoughts need to materialize.
I have an unbreakable connection with my mother.
I think its love but its toxic.
I believe that each is her own important person.
But words exchanged are engraved, deeply, although not all necessarily.
She brought me to this world, passed me to her own mother, my father’s mother and then my father, and then an aunt and then, well even during those times, to myself.
I have lived at different places without the constant company and nurture of a mother.
Then years later…
I feel breakable when we disagree.
I can’t seem to move on from her toxic handling of “concern” for me.
Her words becomes a curse. It weakens me.
I feel like I have to lessen our interactions for my sanity.
Still, I dream of having her by my side and being “motherly”.
I dream of her warm hugs that seldom happen.
I know she cares. And I know of her “sacrifices” that’s why sometimes I give her tips how to handle me.
The “me” she wasn’t able to witness grow. The “me” who had to learn on her own. The “me” she was constantly blaming for things not to be fault at or maybe she just can’t accept or comprehend.
I try to help her take care of me but sometimes when she follows, it wouldn’t feel satisfactory.
And often times, she wouldn’t listen and insist on her own “maternal” instinct.
She stayed at another country more than she did her own. I can only count on at least less a thousand days on my 28 years of existence the time we were together.
I guess, she knows more about me as she likes to remind me because I came from her.
But mother, we grew apart. I am fully grown and still we’re apart. M
ost of the times you forget I’m not a toddler. But I must admit, there is still a child in me who longs for the “mother” she never had.
Don’t get me wrong, I love you. It’s just that I’m mostly hurt by you.
Sorry if it hurts, or irritates you.
Maybe tomorrow, I’ll be okay. For sure.
My View From Here 