Tag Archives: heartache

Someday

20 Nov

It hurts my heart. Knowing I may never make my mother understand why I am who I am.

I am who I am because of their decisions, of my upbringing and of them not witnessing my growing years.

I have been sharing my pain, begging her to understand why I am what I am.

That this is the product of my circumstances when let me be on my own.

I have spoken and written words, was brought to tears, dried my throat, hanged a call, thrown tantrums I am not proud of and I don’t know anymore.

I feel like a restless tiger inside a cage who just wants to be embraced.

But I think I have to stop fighting this.

And live NOW. I know somehow that if I keep at this I could loose myself entirely.

I must let go and not let this define me. I knew of that. But it is so hard to accept defeat when I know they are the core of my being.

When I know that I haven’t felt known to them.

I want to believe I am reaching the end of this desperation of being accepted and understood. My heart is tired. My mind is loosing focus. I must not. I must stop. I must GROW. I have to let go of the child who was left behind. The child whose innocence was snatched because no one was looking.

They say they sacrificed a lot for me.

And all I’m saying is I did too and I hurt.

I pray I won’t have to tell some hard truths Because I don’t think she will handle it well.

I don’t have to hurt, right?

For now, I’ll keep my secret and pretend to be what they want.

I’ll find my way. Someday.

Advertisements

T-A-N-G-A

3 Aug

Todo akong magmahal

iAalay buo kong dangal

iiNdahin lahat ng bawal

daiG ko pa nga ang iyong mahal

na sA dulo ika’y tinalikuran
Tandaan mo ito

mAmahalin kita hanggang dulo

maNalig ka sa aking puso

hanGgang sa itakwil mo

tangA na kung tanga 
MagpapakaTANGA para lang  sayo

Too Much Love That killed Us

15 Mar

I’m sorry to the boy who loved me the most.

I’m sorry i refuse to change my mind when I didn’t feel you fit in my life

I wasn’t accustomed with you in my life

And I’m not ready for that relationship in your mind

Babe, you offered too much I couldn’t dwell

You offered a vision you couldn’t handle well

You loved me too much

It just doesn’t seem like a match

With you always giving in and yet demanding in a pretense of longing

And I, too busy for caring with the excuse of not knowing

You loved me too much

That it seemed to me you were living in a hunch

Of you too scared to shed your true self

Of you too afraid I might not like you that much

To converse alone with you content on looking on
To decide on my own with you just riding along

To hear and forget

To come yet regret
For me, alone is my norm

For me, “us” is a new form

But just the same, I let you in, 

It was a risk that was too difficult for me to take in

But i believed in the now and hoped for us to be better together 

But, I don’t know, was i too much to bear?

Was I too fast, too independent for you, Dear? 

‘Cause somehow, I was losing you

I was constantly seeking for you

To realize the you, not living in the now.

Too much love that made you too scared for me to love. 

Too much love that made me too scared for us to love.

And so much more you couldn’t know until your “too much” would be just “love”. 

Or until I could love you as much.

to BE and not to BE

4 Mar

so how is this going to work?

how mature should i be?

here’s two things:

1. i get over the past, forget about it and ACT mature.

2. i tackle the past, make peace with it and BE mature?

these days, people want it all fast, instant.

no lingering, no dwelling and they do move on. but i doubt there’s no going back.

now, hear me.

i prefer the slow and hard way. i would want to choose that for myself.

i will be crying more, whining more… that’s how i want to recover.

they are immature acts, yes.

but it won’t stop there. i wouldn’t want it to stop there.

i will give it all; squeezed out all the tears, bring out all the negatives…

up to the point where i won’t be able to recognize the wrong things in my past

because there won’t be. i wouldn’t want it to be.

for every thing happens for a reason, right?

i believe that.

and when i’m ready.

i’ll be embracing today, my “present”.

then, maybe. hopefully. i’ll BE mature.