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Is it wrong?

21 Apr

A close cousin of mine just underwent an operation — and it still was not the solution. It was only for her to tolerate another 6-7 more weeks before she gives birth to her baby. By then, she will undergo another, more critical, operation. She has brain tumor. She’s only 24 years old.

Times like this, you’d expect a dark atmosphere, or gloomy family members. I was saddened by the news. 

But amidst all this, i can feel His presence. Like He’s just looming above us, ready for an embrace. It gives me light feelings most days. 

Is it wrong? Inspite of the chaos, i feel at peace. I feel loved. I feel blessed, my cousin included. 

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Feelings on Writing

16 May

I am bereft by father, left by mother (for work abroad), and so, i am alone in the city. But i do have a constant reminder of what i need and want.

I live with my uncle’s wife and cousin who are so close to each other. When i see them, i feel lacking, jealous, out-of-place. I miss my parents. When i don’t see them, i feel the same ways too. But i miss my parents more.

When i go to work, and something or someone upsets me, it really gets into me. I couldn’t let go as easily amd readily before. Back then, when i’m feeling low, i would call or text my father, he’d answer back and cheer me up, or make me laugh. After that, i’m a clean slate again, the world can make a fool of me again. I would be okay.

But now, it’s becoming hard to get back on track. It’s becoming a challenge to believe one’s self or even forgive.

Sometimes, i dream of being lost, literally. To be some place new where i could not be reminded of things that connect to the past or even my attachment to the past. I would still miss them but it won’t be that painful.

But i can’t seem to move. I lost my drive, my power. I can’t seem to control things now. My will, my passion gone.

I feel distant with God. It’s my fault, i know. I do pray God forgives me for not trying hard, but i also pray He gives me courage to try harder.

I am writing all this in the hope that i may lighten my burden, clear my mind, and maybe give me hope. To realize my dilemma is “not that bad”.

There’s something in writing that makes me see how big i see little things or how small i perceive big things. Or how confusing i get as i type these thoughts.

Anyway.

Pray.

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Be sensible!

29 Apr

When your career becomes your whole life,
When your workmates become your constant companion,
And when these people just makes you feel worst,
And when you don’t have your family to talk to and hold just to keep you moving,
And when even close friends are hard to reach, or loose the courage to, just to refresh yourself again.

Then your doomed. I’m warning you, that place you’re going is sad.

I am tempted to write ‘alone’. That you are alone. But no.

You are never alone.

God is where you are. Wherever that is, whomever you’re with. All the time. Always.

You just had to listen carefully, see closely. Open yourself up to Him.
Don’t wallow in your sorrow. Don’t give up easily. Fight for your sanity, happiness. Fight for your life. Live.

Talk to Him, acknowledge His Divine presence. Remember Him. Live Him.

Be sensible, kid.

Which way, Lord? Nawawala ata ako?

28 Apr

Have you felt so alone, ung tipong you’re meant for something big, great, sensible than where you are, now? That you don’t have enough will to want that coz, obviously you’re at lost to what exactly you would want to have or maybe you’re just confuse at the moment. You know that passing thought that is missed and is actually the answer you’ve been looking for? I just feel useless, like today, im not doing or maybe not doing
enough for that goal. That one mission. That something that i can pour out all my energy, my passion. I want to live that passion, been wanting to– to really feel alive. That i do exist for something. Something i am really happy doing. Unmindful of the stress or fatigue it might cause because you are blissfully satisfied with your cause. Alam mo yun? Yung feeling na ganun?

*originally texted to climax

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