Tag Archives: depression

The Cycle

20 Apr

I have reached this place beforeI have felt these feelings before

I have written about it before

It’s all happening again. 

Indeed, this place is a circle.
Endlessly searching, struggling, pushing, loosing, trying… it never ends. 

But i hope to stop somewhere in the circumference,

Just to pause somewhere in this endless cycle

To rest in a place where my feelings lock-in

Where i will feel the speed, the rust, the adrenaline of my journey feels comfortable to just BE

To continue in a momentum where i feel like flying when i was running 

When i no longer have to struggle to breathe but to just BE
But i may not even make sense

Just trying to BE

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I’ll Say It, So Stop

24 Jan

“I love you”, such beautiful words
I once believe them to be gems

Spoken rarely but truthfully

Now they have become like a “hello”
A greeting, a passing thought,

A careless slip of the tongue

A habit to pacify all things petty
“I love you”, it has become words

Same as “I’m fine” to “how are you’s”

Where you utter them to indulge curious minds

But totally lie about the inside
I’ll say it. “I’m fine”, so  don’t ask anymore

I’ll say it.  “I love you”, so you won’t ask for more.

I was then I am

24 Jun

I was born and in a foreign land.
I was a baby and they flew me to my mother’s home.

I was 1 and we were one, my

mother, father and i but after awhile they left me behind.

I was 2 and i cried a lot.

I was 3 and still nurtured by my mother’s mother, my favorite in the world.

I was 4 and i wanted to be a doctor.

I was 5 and i remember singing to my parents in a tape recorder.

I was 6 and i moved to my father’s home where he stays for good.

I was 7 and i was disciplined.

I was 8 and i had friends and a first crush.

I was 9 and i left them all behind 

for a home to call our own; my father became my best friend.

I was 10 and betrayed by a friend.

I was 11 and i thought i talk less than a person should. 

I was 12 and fat. Didn’t know how bad but i had an adult friend, a mother-figure and i’m glad.

I was 13 and i met lasting friends, it lessens the pain when i think mama has not come home again.

I was 14 and i experienced young love in pain.

I was 15 and i don’t know what i want; the pressure for a course; and a resounding “no” for becoming a nurse.

I was 16 and alone again. Failed promises and unintentional course taking courses.

I was 17 and i had tasks to fill.

I was 18 and they have elected me a leader.

I was 19 and still going up the ladder.

I was 20 and opportunities come, i grabbed them all.

I was 21 and i was where i was supposed to be and pressured to pursue.

I was 22 and my father left me for good.

I was 23, the blackest year, a fallout with mother.

I was 24, thought i could escape from it all. I did but then no.

I am 25, escaped but not free. Out of purpose and lagging behind.

A Revelation.

3 Jan

I love you and I don’t know you.
I don’t know you as i should.
Distance had made its worse.
We’re bound together but apart.

Falls of tears i’ve cried.
Quakes my heart suffered a lot of times.
Things are never enough.
I didn’t know you could have this much power over me.
I didn’t know i could feel this hurt.

I thought i was weak.

I thought i was weak.
But i was wrong.
I am strong.
Because i am still here.
Alive.
Breathing.
Living.

So go on.
Do your worse.
I am afraid no more.

a living zombie

22 Nov

My soul weak. 
My fire diminished.
My bravado gone.
I am a living zombie.

What are my dreams?
When is my time?
Where is my destiny?
Who am I to be?
Why do I ask these?
How can i wake from this place i put myself into?

I have paused my life.
I am a living zombie.

 

 

The Space Between

28 Aug

How to get by?

I’ve done it, i said my piece. I got my permission. I just have to go through formalities in getting out the chains and i’m free to move the reins.

But it seems my destination is reluctant to have me there.

But i really want to go. I need this break. I need to face her. I can’t bear this hopelessness any longer. I’m loosing faith. I can’t fall. And i can’t get lost. But soon, i know i will if i don’t do anything to stop it. So i must go. I have to move.

But.

How to get by?

Wishful Thinking

3 Aug

When late at night
I lie awake, unable to sleep
I find myself debate
Whether to read a book
Or be content in my nook
Stare at the ceiling
Or my window railing
Daydream about when i’m sailing
Looking over the sea
At peace, unafraid, calm as i can be
Or plan an escape of what’s to be
When i can finally be free
Free from the burdens i put myself
From the unbinding “responsibilities”,
Unworthy “fears”,
I led myself believe.

Oh how the world had fooled me,
How clever humans can be.
If only i could unlearn the things that don’t matter,
Be raised with all the means
To search for answers
Or maybe to simply quench my thirst
Of knowledge, of wisdom,
But mostly of love.

But, whatever.

I only want to roam the world
Carefree as i can be.

12:45am, august 4
(PS: this is one of those “random” acts you do when you least expect it. I just couldn’t sleep)