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20 Nov

It hurts my heart. Knowing I may never make my mother understand why I am who I am.

I am who I am because of their decisions, of my upbringing and of them not witnessing my growing years.

I have been sharing my pain, begging her to understand why I am what I am.

That this is the product of my circumstances when let me be on my own.

I have spoken and written words, was brought to tears, dried my throat, hanged a call, thrown tantrums I am not proud of and I don’t know anymore.

I feel like a restless tiger inside a cage who just wants to be embraced.

But I think I have to stop fighting this.

And live NOW. I know somehow that if I keep at this I could loose myself entirely.

I must let go and not let this define me. I knew of that. But it is so hard to accept defeat when I know they are the core of my being.

When I know that I haven’t felt known to them.

I want to believe I am reaching the end of this desperation of being accepted and understood. My heart is tired. My mind is loosing focus. I must not. I must stop. I must GROW. I have to let go of the child who was left behind. The child whose innocence was snatched because no one was looking.

They say they sacrificed a lot for me.

And all I’m saying is I did too and I hurt.

I pray I won’t have to tell some hard truths Because I don’t think she will handle it well.

I don’t have to hurt, right?

For now, I’ll keep my secret and pretend to be what they want.

I’ll find my way. Someday.


Ang G*go at ang T*nga

28 Jul

Ang sagot ng tanga sa gagoOo malibog ka pero yan lang ba ang panlaban mo?

Puro tawag ng laman

Kaluluwa mo nama’y kawalan 

Walang laman, walang maipaglaban
Sa relasyong pilit binubuo

Sa pag-ibig na nanggaling sayo

Pagmamahal na ngayo’y sinayang mo
Sayang, ikaw na sana ang pinakamasaya 

Ang hari ng buhay ko

Sayang, ikaw sana’y naaalagaan

Gaya ng binigay ng nanay mo

Sayo na sana ako

Pero sinayang mo

Wala ka na sanang sakit sa ulo

Kasi hihilutin ko

Sayang, may libre ka na sanang 

Yaya nanay, reyna

Winalanag bahala mo
Pero buti na lang, 

Inalis kita sa buhay ko

Maswerte pa rin ako

Nawala ka sa buhay ko

Wala ng gago, 

Hindi na tanga, gaya mo

The Cycle

20 Apr

I have reached this place beforeI have felt these feelings before

I have written about it before

It’s all happening again. 

Indeed, this place is a circle.
Endlessly searching, struggling, pushing, loosing, trying… it never ends. 

But i hope to stop somewhere in the circumference,

Just to pause somewhere in this endless cycle

To rest in a place where my feelings lock-in

Where i will feel the speed, the rust, the adrenaline of my journey feels comfortable to just BE

To continue in a momentum where i feel like flying when i was running 

When i no longer have to struggle to breathe but to just BE
But i may not even make sense

Just trying to BE

I’ll Say It, So Stop

24 Jan

“I love you”, such beautiful words
I once believe them to be gems

Spoken rarely but truthfully

Now they have become like a “hello”
A greeting, a passing thought,

A careless slip of the tongue

A habit to pacify all things petty
“I love you”, it has become words

Same as “I’m fine” to “how are you’s”

Where you utter them to indulge curious minds

But totally lie about the inside
I’ll say it. “I’m fine”, so  don’t ask anymore

I’ll say it.  “I love you”, so you won’t ask for more.

People are People

10 Jan


WHEN you stepped out of this world
You are sheltered at home
and as you grow, you’ll have your school, your church
They look at you and hope for the future

WHEN you debut into this world
You are embraced by those in the room
You dance till dawn, you’ll feel unbreakable
and the next day, you’ll still have your peers, your dreams

WHEN you’re done with school
You are praised by all
and the next day, you’ll still have it all,
but maybe even eyes waiting for your downfall

WHEN you’re looking for a workplace
You are pressured by it all,
you might set aside your passion,
and just catch the next available place, but not for long
(So you say)

WHEN you submit yourself in that rat race
you’ll get tired, but still save face
you remember those prying eyes
and you get on, you smile, you wave
(So you try)

WHEN you’re getting restless
you remember those praises that pushed you to just drive
“Just be Someone, it doesn’t matter what but be Someone”
and you believe, you just might become someone
(Or not)

WHEN you feel you’re too old for your age
you feel you have become part of this world
and you think kids are too spoiled, they dream
you’ll want to go back, be that kid, be Anyone but Someone
(So you think)

WHEN you feel lost in the game
but winning in the eyes of peers
you realize you have been deceived
the praises have misled you from your dreams

WHEN you get out of that game
the eyes would stop looking but glare
they’ll loose hope for your future
and you won’t care

WHEN that time comes
maybe you’ll doubt yourself
the confidence might be swayed for leaving was not that easy,

WHEN you feel down
remember you’re at the bottom of going up
you’ll get there somehow, because you care
you have owned the game, you’ll dare

SO, push through, forget the wounds you’ll get
Forget the flawlessness, forger being perfect
Disappoint people who followed what others paved them to go
Enlighten people who believed you’re getting lost to reach your rightful place
Some place you’ll make to become Somebody you’re proud of.

The Getting-to-know-each-other Stage

11 Dec

Gusto kitang makilala, ang sabi mo.

Tara, usap tayo, ang sabi ko.

“Kumusta ka na?”
“Ok lang…”

Ok nga lang kaya?

Nasilayan ko ang ngiti mo sa facebook
Sa tingin ko, wala ka namang pinagdadaanang pagsubok
Nag-umagahan ka na ba?
Siguro masiyahin kang talaga.

Nabasa ko ang update mo sa twitter,
Mukhang hindi ka naman bitter.
Lunch na, kain ka na.
Siguro nakamove on ka sa ex mo.

Nakita ko ang mga lugar na napuntahan mo sa instagram,
Marahil ikaw ay malaya ; walang agam -agam.
Gabi na, nakakain ka na ba?
Siguro, masaya kang kasama.

Paano Kung sabihin ko sayo na ako’y higit pa sa mga sinabi mo.
Na ako’y higit pa sa mga haka-haka mo.
Mga haka-hakang mula sa labas na anyo.
Anyong pinili ko, sinalat ko.
Pagkataong para lang sa mata ng mundo
Pero hindi ang “ako” sa mata ng iilang Tao
Mga taong Handa akong harapin, kausapin, intindihin, prangkahin.

Tara, usap tayo, ang sabi mo.
Gusto kitang makilala, ang nasa isip ko.

Malaman ang iyong mga hilig ,
Mga bagay na nagbibigay kilig,
Mga pangarap na gustong abutin,
Mga lugar na gustong explore-in

Ganyan sana tayo. Usapang matino.

Tara, magkita tayo. 

Mata sa mata. 

Hayaang mag-ugnayan ang ating mga puso.

Tara’t ating abangan saan ito patungo — pagkakaibigan o pag-iibigan.

Tara, halika, usap tayo.

Throwing Garbage

13 Sep

Gather all your pieces. 

Take away the sadness. 

Refill the jar of happiness. 

Don’t forget the supplies of smiles, you’ll need it when you step out of the house.
Take a deep breath.

Raise your arms with all that garbage. 

Rememer, hoarding it is damage.

So, throw it like an athlete. 

No regret, just target. 

Don’t look back and just enter the house.


You now have a clean house. 
And laugh. 

Because you can.

No More

28 Jun

Behind this wall, I hear a family in grieving.

Two children fighting,

 for a father who isn’t living.

Two children arguing,

 “Father just spoke to us! He isn’t dying!”

Two children crying,

 “Papa!”, “Papa!” … until their voices start cracking.

Adults try to persuade them,

“Your father was only waiting for you, children. 

You had time together but he is no longer breathing.

Let go now, children. No more waiting.”

It Is What It Is

25 Jun

Maybe the reason i keep putting it off is because of this.Maybe this is why i can’t decide, is what it is.

I take that back. I have decided but not acted on it. Not yet. Now this is.

I gave it a thought. I had an instinct, yes that’s it!

I felt it’s not yet the time. Something happened. This is. 

That’s why delayed it is. 

No matter what it is.

Soon, i’ll get back to it, to finish it and then– kaput! Gone it is.

That step to start to end this rant, no more. No act. No walk. 

That’s just it! I sit, is it? 

I was then I am

24 Jun

I was born and in a foreign land.
I was a baby and they flew me to my mother’s home.

I was 1 and we were one, my

mother, father and i but after awhile they left me behind.

I was 2 and i cried a lot.

I was 3 and still nurtured by my mother’s mother, my favorite in the world.

I was 4 and i wanted to be a doctor.

I was 5 and i remember singing to my parents in a tape recorder.

I was 6 and i moved to my father’s home where he stays for good.

I was 7 and i was disciplined.

I was 8 and i had friends and a first crush.

I was 9 and i left them all behind 

for a home to call our own; my father became my best friend.

I was 10 and betrayed by a friend.

I was 11 and i thought i talk less than a person should. 

I was 12 and fat. Didn’t know how bad but i had an adult friend, a mother-figure and i’m glad.

I was 13 and i met lasting friends, it lessens the pain when i think mama has not come home again.

I was 14 and i experienced young love in pain.

I was 15 and i don’t know what i want; the pressure for a course; and a resounding “no” for becoming a nurse.

I was 16 and alone again. Failed promises and unintentional course taking courses.

I was 17 and i had tasks to fill.

I was 18 and they have elected me a leader.

I was 19 and still going up the ladder.

I was 20 and opportunities come, i grabbed them all.

I was 21 and i was where i was supposed to be and pressured to pursue.

I was 22 and my father left me for good.

I was 23, the blackest year, a fallout with mother.

I was 24, thought i could escape from it all. I did but then no.

I am 25, escaped but not free. Out of purpose and lagging behind.