Too Much Love That killed Us

15 Mar

I’m sorry to the boy who loved me the most.

I’m sorry i refuse to change my mind when I didn’t feel you fit in my life

I wasn’t accustomed with you in my life

And I’m not ready for that relationship in your mind

Babe, you offered too much I couldn’t dwell

You offered a vision you couldn’t handle well

You loved me too much

It just doesn’t seem like a match

With you always giving in and yet demanding in a pretense of longing

And I, too busy for caring with the excuse of not knowing

You loved me too much

That it seemed to me you were living in a hunch

Of you too scared to shed your true self

Of you too afraid I might not like you that much

To converse alone with you content on looking on
To decide on my own with you just riding along

To hear and forget

To come yet regret
For me, alone is my norm

For me, “us” is a new form

But just the same, I let you in, 

It was a risk that was too difficult for me to take in

But i believed in the now and hoped for us to be better together 

But, I don’t know, was i too much to bear?

Was I too fast, too independent for you, Dear? 

‘Cause somehow, I was losing you

I was constantly seeking for you

To realize the you, not living in the now.

Too much love that made you too scared for me to love. 

Too much love that made me too scared for us to love.

And so much more you couldn’t know until your “too much” would be just “love”. 

Or until I could love you as much.

inspired by: MARTA

3 Mar

Ako si Marta

Dalagang ina

Nagmahal nung una

Nanganak mag-isa

Nagalit sa mundo

Sabi ko noon, “Unfair ito!”

Buti pa siya, walang dinadala

Magiging ama, pero hindi halata

Kung umasta parang binata

Walang anak na iniinda

Kung ang lalaki kaya ang magdala

Para sa ‘pag puntong ako’y nanghihina

Makikipag-inuman naman sa barkada

Tutal, lalaki na ang may dala

Ng batang binuo naming dalawa

Kung lalaki na ang magdadala

Pwede na akong maglakwatsa

Maghahanap ng damit

Kaya nang magbuhat,

kahit maraming bitbit

Pero hindi, dahil kung lalaki ang magdadala

Sasamahan ko siya

Kapag kumirot ang tiyan?

Dali-dali kong hahalikan

Kapag umiiyak, kahit walang dahilan?

Kahit saan pa yan, lagi kong dadamayan

Kapag di makatulog

Naghahanap ng niyog

May buko naman sa kanto

Kukunin ko alang-alang sa mag-ama ko.

Pero kahit hindi lalaki ang magdala

Kahit ako na dahil ako naman talaga

Kakayanin ko, iparamdam lang niya

Nabuo ito nang hindi ako mag-isa

At siguruhin niya

Ilalabas ko itong magkasama kaming dalawa.

Kaya na ba?

24 Feb

Alam ko,

Tila manhid ako sayong paningin

Malamig at parang di ka napapansin
Mga katagang iyong laging inuulit

Ni ayokong marinig

Mga katagang iyong inuulit

Baka sakaling akin ding iparinig
Dalawang salitang mahirap pakawalan

“Mahal” at “kita”

Mahal, salita at gawa’ng hirap kong pakawalan

“Kita”, isang bisitang di ko tuluyang maimbitahan
Sa labas, ako’y manhid

Sa loob, may isang giyera’ng tila walang patid

Ng isip at puso,

Ang pusong gustong pakawalan ang pagma-“mahal” 

Ang isip na gustong ilayo muna “kita” 

Pero,

Gustung-gusto kitang mahalin

Ng buo, nang walang takot

Ang magpakatihulog sa’yo

Ng walang alinlangan, sayung-sayo
Pero, kaya mo na ba akong masalo?

NG buong-buo, NANG buong-buo?

Own(ed) Love Story

14 Dec

What kind of love does a woman need?What kind of love should a man give?

What kind of a relationship two persons could live?
Fairytales, with its “happily ever after”, ain’t true.

Movies, with its grand depictions of love, it just ain’t true.

Songs and poems, with its woes and pleas, its just too good to be true.
The person you are before

The person you meet just before

The person you both are together

The person you both hope won’t be for “after”
The changes — they won’t come naturally. And there would be changes. Don’t be fooled, you.
The changes won’t come welcomingly

They won’t come unnoticeably

The changes — they would be felt.

It could make you wonder, rejoiced

Or it could hurt, and disappoint 
It’s how accepting you are of the YOU plus “the one”

That these changes would be embraced

Not necessarily wholeheartedly but bravely.
Love, really does makes the world go round. 

Because its how we deal with these changes that make our love stories special, always, in our own way.
12/12/15

Passing Angel

7 Dec

You love me, you said, for ten years nowAnd when i opened my heart to you, spent more time with you,

had conversations with you,

I started to wonder. Was your love real or just an illusion of a long-time unrequited love?
You said you were my friend, for 10 years now. And now that you’re my partner, i realized you are not my equal 
You’re not, because you don’t act like it

You have put me in a pedestal where its hard to reach you.

You were content on your place when i wanted to reach higher.
I said “yes” not quite sure. 

But i have grown to love you.

But i realized,

I needed someone higher than me but have long arms to reach for me.

I needed our roles reversed.
I was willing to hold on and learn to love you more as much as you do, to see this through until God permits.
But with your questions and observations came the realization that you needed me to be “there” now. And i couldn’t go there fast enough. I want this journey i had started on my own. 
My life, it’s not just about you. And its not fair when i can’t be that someone you needed now and not fair to set aside my dreams because i found you.
I’m sorry, I couldn’t love you now. 

I’m sorry, i hurt you.

I’m sorry, i couldn’t let go of my dreams. 

I’m sorry, i have doubts of my own.

I’m sorry. I have been alone too, i can’t seem to adjust to the changes you bring. I’m sorry, i couldn’t let go of my former self. 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. 

I will be sorry, even until you have forgiven me.

I think I Do

27 Oct

The first time you said, “I love you”,  we were classmates and friends. My thought then, “Love is too big a word for teens like us.”

For many years, we continued to be friends, although apart, you let your presence be felt. 

When i first got my heart broken, you were there to catch me after that hard fall. 

I fell for you then, but the timing wasn’t right for you were committed. 

When you were finally single after 6 years, you said, “I love you” and over a bottle of vodka with friends i let you pursue.

But after a day, i discovered the feeling i once had for you, although fleeting, wasn’t there. I said “Stop now, let’s just still be friends.”

Then, life happened,.

I lost my father. You let me cry over your shoulder. 

You had another girlfriend while i got busy with my work.

After a year, i went back to our town, found a job and you became my brod. 

I let you in again in my life.

I was alone and you offered me you as companion.

I was sad but you make me glad.

You became my anchor.

Until i imagined you to be my harbor.

Until i think, i felt you and your message came across.

You really do love me and i think this time, “I do again.” 

Awakened Too Soon

3 Oct

My heart burns. 
After a dream i thought was a reality.

I fell in love to a person unexpectedly.

That moment when i realize i could love you — i was done as i am already.

That feeling when you smiled at me when i finally said “i love you, too”.

Its the best feeling i had that i could make you smile like that.

I didn’t know i could be happy being someone else’s happiness.

It makes me humble and ever so grateful I gave “us” a chance.
I didn’t know. I honestly had no clue. 

But i thank the universe and Almighty, you didn’t go anywhere. You fought for that love. You never gave up. You believed. You pursued. 

Before, i thought, your love for me was an illusion. Loving me that much is just too much. It can not be true.

But you pushed through.

And that moment when i looked into you. When i looked really hard. When i saw that glint in your eyes and you smiled. I felt it too. I loved you then. I love you now.

Then i opened my eyes. Saw the light slipping through the windows.

I thought my reality was you. Us.

I found out a second too soon.

Those wonderful emotions my heart gave me was just an illusion.

I can’t still love you. I am sorry, too.

Still, my heart burns.

Throwing Garbage

13 Sep

Gather all your pieces. 

Take away the sadness. 

Refill the jar of happiness. 

Don’t forget the supplies of smiles, you’ll need it when you step out of the house.
Take a deep breath.

Raise your arms with all that garbage. 

Rememer, hoarding it is damage.

So, throw it like an athlete. 

No regret, just target. 
Exhale.

Don’t look back and just enter the house.

Smile. 

You now have a clean house. 
And laugh. 

Because you can.

Is This “IT”?

11 Sep

First things first, i am not in love with ‘this person’. 
Okay. Proceed.
When, before you fell asleep that night, ‘that person’ still lingers on your mind. 
When, before the night time, you were fighting over yourself about the concept of love. 
*By the way, it would be referred to ‘It’ by now. ‘Love’ is just too much. 
Again, proceed.
When, that morning, you heard from that person and suddenly your heart seems to be a grenade about to explode from your chest —
Then you start to realize something —- BUT you stop that thought and think…
‘It’ would never be enough. 
Maybe? 
Then you torture yourself even more, you think that whatever it is you feel, its not ‘IT’. It’s just the idea of ‘IT’.

Un/Conditional Love

27 Aug

Love is conditional. Well, it starts as it is.

But when deep IN LOVE, its love without condition. Well, its just the way it is.