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mother

18 Oct

I am writing this with hurt and fresh feelings.

Still, I’ll continue writing it for it matters to me and these thoughts need to materialize.

I have an unbreakable connection with my mother.

I think its love but its toxic.

I believe that each is her own important person.

But words exchanged are engraved, deeply, although not all necessarily.

She brought me to this world, passed me to her own mother, my father’s mother and then my father, and then an aunt and then, well even during those times, to myself.

I have lived at different places without the constant company and nurture of a mother.

Then years later…

I feel breakable when we disagree.

I can’t seem to move on from her toxic handling of “concern” for me.

Her words becomes a curse. It weakens me.

I feel like I have to lessen our interactions for my sanity.

Still, I dream of having her by my side and being “motherly”.

I dream of her warm hugs that seldom happen.

I know she cares. And I know of her “sacrifices” that’s why sometimes I give her tips how to handle me.

The “me” she wasn’t able to witness grow. The “me” who had to learn on her own. The “me” she was constantly blaming for things not to be fault at or maybe she just can’t accept or comprehend.

I try to help her take care of me but sometimes when she follows, it wouldn’t feel satisfactory.

And often times, she wouldn’t listen and insist on her own “maternal” instinct.

She stayed at another country more than she did her own. I can only count on at least less a thousand days on my 28 years of existence the time we were together.

I guess, she knows more about me as she likes to remind me because I came from her.

But mother, we grew apart. I am fully grown and still we’re apart. M

ost of the times you forget I’m not a toddler. But I must admit, there is still a child in me who longs for the “mother” she never had.

Don’t get me wrong, I love you. It’s just that I’m mostly hurt by you.

Sorry if it hurts, or irritates you.

Maybe tomorrow, I’ll be okay. For sure.

 

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LDR

12 Feb

Bakit ganito kasakit

Ang kapalit ng iyong pag- alis?

Maraming taon

Ngunit konting pagkakataon

Sabagay ganun din noong ako’y

Sampung taon

Maraming nakapaligid

Pero nabibilang ang bigkas ng bibig

Nagpalipat-lipat ng lugar

Hanggang wala ng makilala maliban sa isa o dalawa.

Hindi ako nahilig makichika

O mangumusta sa iba

Yan na ako, simula pa

Wala pa noon ang sakit

Noon, isa lamang akong paslit

Isang dakilang manonood

Ng mga tao sa aking paligid

Bakit ganito kasakit

Ang kapalit ng iyong pag- alis?

Wag mo akong tanungin

Bakit wala akong oras sa iyong daing

Wag mo akong sisihin

Kung hindi ako malambing

Ang TV ang aking gabay

Lumaki akong wala namang nanlalambing

Pinalaki akong matatakutin

Ang sabi nga ng iba’y manang na din

Kaya patawad kong hindi ako

Ang ideal mong maging

Pero kung laging mali ko ang ipaparating

At ang daing di iindahin

Saan na tayo papadparin?

Kung parehas tayong ang hiling

Ang isa sa atin ay dinggin

At wala sa atin handang makinig

O Bakit ganito kasakit,

Ang kapalit ng iyong pag- alis?

Mahal Mo Ako (Di Ba?)

30 Sep

Mahal mo ako, iyan ang sabi mo.

Mahal mo ako kahit noong hindi pa tayo.

Nakakalungkot lang

Mahal mo nga ako pero wala kang tiwala sa “tayo”.

MAHAL. MO.  AKO. Naririnig mo ba yang sarili mo? 

Uulit-ulitin ko, hanggang maging malinaw sayo:

Ang sabi mo, mahal mo ako.

Pero kinukumpara mo ako sa nakaraan mo.

Binuksan mo nga ang pintuan dyan sa puso,

Pero tinutulak mo naman ako palayo.

Pakinggan mo nga yang sarili mo, isa pa, mahal mo ako.

Pero wala kang balak pagkatiwalaan ako

Wala kang balak kilalanin ako.

Una, magkaiba kami ng mukha

Pangalawa, hindi kami parehas ng ina

Pero kahit na, walang dalawang taong magkapareha

Ikaw, ang sabi mo mahal mo ako

Buti sana kung hindi pa tayo,

Hahayaan kitang pagdudahan ako

Pero sinuyo mo ako at naging tayo

At nang magsimula tayo, doon ka nagbago

“Baka lokohin mo din ako.”, iyan ang sinabi mo

Kaya, pangatlo, baka hindi malinaw, hindi ako ang ex mo

Utang na loob, buksan mo yang mga mata mo

Mahalin mo ang nasa harapan mo

Ilayo mo ako sa babaeng nanloko sayo

Magsisimula pa lang tayo 

Pero pinapatay mo na ang relasyong ito

Wag mong ikumpara ang “tayo” sa multo ng kahapon 

Wag mong hayaan na takot ang manalo

Bigyan mo ako ng pagkakataon na lumaban

Bigyan mo ako ng panahon na ika’y alagaan

Gusto kitang mahalin dahil ikaw,

Nakikita kita: ang mga mata mong nagsusumamong ibigin

Kaya paraanin mo ako, mahal ko

Dahil mahal kita

Bigyan mo ako ng pagkakataon na mahalin ka

Wag mo akong itulak palayo

Dahil nagsisimula pa lang tayo

Mahal mo ako, di ba?

Mahal din kita.

T-A-N-G-A

3 Aug

Todo akong magmahal

iAalay buo kong dangal

iiNdahin lahat ng bawal

daiG ko pa nga ang iyong mahal

na sA dulo ika’y tinalikuran
Tandaan mo ito

mAmahalin kita hanggang dulo

maNalig ka sa aking puso

hanGgang sa itakwil mo

tangA na kung tanga 
MagpapakaTANGA para lang  sayo

Ang G*go at ang T*nga

28 Jul

Ang sagot ng tanga sa gagoOo malibog ka pero yan lang ba ang panlaban mo?

Puro tawag ng laman

Kaluluwa mo nama’y kawalan 

Walang laman, walang maipaglaban
Sa relasyong pilit binubuo

Sa pag-ibig na nanggaling sayo

Pagmamahal na ngayo’y sinayang mo
Sayang, ikaw na sana ang pinakamasaya 

Ang hari ng buhay ko

Sayang, ikaw sana’y naaalagaan

Gaya ng binigay ng nanay mo

Sayo na sana ako

Pero sinayang mo

Wala ka na sanang sakit sa ulo

Kasi hihilutin ko

Sayang, may libre ka na sanang 

Yaya nanay, reyna

Winalanag bahala mo
Pero buti na lang, 

Inalis kita sa buhay ko

Maswerte pa rin ako

Nawala ka sa buhay ko

Wala ng gago, 

Hindi na tanga, gaya mo

Red and Bleak

4 Jun

It happened so #fast

It was a #blur

All was #bleak

But you, the lone #color
You see, I ignored the signs

And man, you made me blind

You took away my heart

I was empty and free
Now i see, 

you stole the fire in me

Alas! I was that color

(You traitor!)

🤦🏻‍♀️

But I won’t give chase

Please, go on keep my color

I hope you blend with it
My fire, although defused

Will be lit, don’t be confused

‘Cause my heart, it multiplies
There will come a time

When this bleak world would be lit

parang ang sarap magmahal

28 Jan

parang ang sarap nang may minamahal

ang abangan ang kanyang pagdating

ang masabik sa kanyang mga halik

ang damhin ang kanyang paglambing

 

parang ang sarap nang may nagmamahal

may kasukob sa ulan

may kayakap hindi lang ang unan

may kasama sa patutunguhan

 

parang ang sarap magmahal

ang kiligin kahit hindi pansin

ang sabikin kahit sa iba nakatingin

ang magmahal kahit hindi ikaw ang ibigin

 

 

I’ll Say It, So Stop

24 Jan

“I love you”, such beautiful words
I once believe them to be gems

Spoken rarely but truthfully

Now they have become like a “hello”
A greeting, a passing thought,

A careless slip of the tongue

A habit to pacify all things petty
“I love you”, it has become words

Same as “I’m fine” to “how are you’s”

Where you utter them to indulge curious minds

But totally lie about the inside
I’ll say it. “I’m fine”, so  don’t ask anymore

I’ll say it.  “I love you”, so you won’t ask for more.

People are People

10 Jan

 

WHEN you stepped out of this world
You are sheltered at home
and as you grow, you’ll have your school, your church
They look at you and hope for the future

WHEN you debut into this world
You are embraced by those in the room
You dance till dawn, you’ll feel unbreakable
and the next day, you’ll still have your peers, your dreams

WHEN you’re done with school
You are praised by all
and the next day, you’ll still have it all,
but maybe even eyes waiting for your downfall

WHEN you’re looking for a workplace
You are pressured by it all,
you might set aside your passion,
and just catch the next available place, but not for long
(So you say)

WHEN you submit yourself in that rat race
you’ll get tired, but still save face
you remember those prying eyes
and you get on, you smile, you wave
(So you try)

WHEN you’re getting restless
you remember those praises that pushed you to just drive
“Just be Someone, it doesn’t matter what but be Someone”
and you believe, you just might become someone
(Or not)

WHEN you feel you’re too old for your age
you feel you have become part of this world
and you think kids are too spoiled, they dream
you’ll want to go back, be that kid, be Anyone but Someone
(So you think)

WHEN you feel lost in the game
but winning in the eyes of peers
you realize you have been deceived
the praises have misled you from your dreams

WHEN you get out of that game
the eyes would stop looking but glare
they’ll loose hope for your future
and you won’t care

WHEN that time comes
maybe you’ll doubt yourself
the confidence might be swayed for leaving was not that easy,
Anyway, YOU’RE JUST GETTING STARTED.

WHEN you feel down
remember you’re at the bottom of going up
you’ll get there somehow, because you care
you have owned the game, you’ll dare

SO, push through, forget the wounds you’ll get
Forget the flawlessness, forger being perfect
Disappoint people who followed what others paved them to go
Enlighten people who believed you’re getting lost to reach your rightful place
Some place you’ll make to become Somebody you’re proud of.

Ngayon na nga ba ang SA WAKAS?

31 Aug

Ano ba itong pakiramdam na parang nakalutang sa alapaap at sa isipan, isang imahe ng kadenang napigtas?

Ano nga ba?

Ano ba itong parang pagluwag ng dibdib pagkatapos tumakbo ng tumakbo na parang may tinatakasan at sa isipan, mga katagang paulit-ulit: “Sa wakas…sa wakas”.

Nagsimula lahat ng niyan nang makita na kitang may kasama nang iba.

Pero nang balikan ko ang araw simula nang makita kita kasama niya at ng araw na huli tayong mag-usap pagkatapos ng mahabang katahimikan…

Kaibigan, nakawala ka na nga ba o kumapit lang sa iba?

Naghihintay na sana sa pagtagal, siya ang makapagpakawala sa’yo sa kadena

Dahil di ko naisip, pinakawalan nga kita sa hawla nating dalawa, pero ang kadenang nagdudugtong sa ating dalawa, kadenang iyong ginawa, hindi mo pa nasisira.

Ang malayang pakiramdam unti-unting bumaba mula sa alapaap. 
Ikaw nga ba’y masaya na o nagpapanggap? 

Kailan mo mahahagilap na hindi ako ang iyong pangarap?

At kailangan ko matatanggap, na hindi ikaw ang aking hanap?

Na ang kalungkutan ay hindi basehan para sa pag-iibigan?

Ang kalungkutan ko’y hindi ang iyong kawalan,

Kun’di ang kakayahan ng puso kong kumawala at maipagkatiwala sa iba ng lubusan. 

Pero ang kapal naman ng aking mukha para sa isiping di ka pa nakawala. Sana nga. Sana nga. 

Sa konting panahon, ako’y nakaramdam ng alapaap sa pag-aakalang ika’y nakatagpo na ng bagong pangarap, nang sa gayo’y ako nama’y mapanatag na ikaw at ako maaari nang bumalik sa pagkakaibigan nang walang masasaktan.

Ngayon na nga ba ang “Sa wakas.”? 

Muli, hihingi ng tawad nang walang wakas.