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20 Nov

It hurts my heart. Knowing I may never make my mother understand why I am who I am.

I am who I am because of their decisions, of my upbringing and of them not witnessing my growing years.

I have been sharing my pain, begging her to understand why I am what I am.

That this is the product of my circumstances when let me be on my own.

I have spoken and written words, was brought to tears, dried my throat, hanged a call, thrown tantrums I am not proud of and I don’t know anymore.

I feel like a restless tiger inside a cage who just wants to be embraced.

But I think I have to stop fighting this.

And live NOW. I know somehow that if I keep at this I could loose myself entirely.

I must let go and not let this define me. I knew of that. But it is so hard to accept defeat when I know they are the core of my being.

When I know that I haven’t felt known to them.

I want to believe I am reaching the end of this desperation of being accepted and understood. My heart is tired. My mind is loosing focus. I must not. I must stop. I must GROW. I have to let go of the child who was left behind. The child whose innocence was snatched because no one was looking.

They say they sacrificed a lot for me.

And all I’m saying is I did too and I hurt.

I pray I won’t have to tell some hard truths Because I don’t think she will handle it well.

I don’t have to hurt, right?

For now, I’ll keep my secret and pretend to be what they want.

I’ll find my way. Someday.



28 Apr

When you feel that you have lost the fire in you,
When things go crazy around you,
When you come to realize the regrets from before,
When you suck today…

You are. Don’t doubt it.
You sucked.

Don’t make excuses to redeem yourself. You are what you did.

Don’t say you’re trying to find yourself.
You were never not lost, lost.

If you’re ignorant, be fine with that.
You can always learn things.
If you betrayed someone, asess yourself, and rectify it.
If you are hurt, by all means cry yourself a river until you run dry.
If you are a coward, okay go ahead, hide. But then, come out.
We can not stay forever in the dark.

Your purpose is BEING.
You did wrong, you failed — EMBRACE IT.
ACKNOWLEDGE your weaknesses. Never EXCUSE it.
REDEEM yourself by BEING, DOING things you deem right.
You may attempt, but never delude yourself you’d be perfect.

We are gifted with a “will”.
We have our very own “remote control” to choose the channel we like to engage ourselves in.
That is a miracle. That is beauty on its own.

You have a life. Hooray!


27 Mar

Not everything in life will be handed to you exactly how you envisioned it. They came tarnished, revised or totally different.

You wanted a promotion, you get fired.
You pray for your ideal man, you get a “usual” guy.
You hoped for a “yes”, you get a “no”.
You wish she acknowledges you, you are ignored.
It goes on…

But, hey.

Since people are occasionally in seek of a challenge or a thrill, you should accept this. Make the most out of it. The hard path is more likely your thing if this is the case.

But… No.

It would be hard because challenges or thrills or adventures are taken as travels of one place to another,
Or taken as exotic experiences may it be food or life threatening activities.

You see,

Adventures would be seen in a lighter and fulfilling way
If they are taken as journeys
from revolt to acceptance
Or from chaos to peace
Or from hatred to love.

These are more worthy of a risk.
These are more remembered by others.
These would likely be your salvation.
This is living.


Let’s take the real challenges, my friends. And “the” adventure of a lifetime.


16 Mar

When i was in College i realized this,
“The key to love is acceptance.”

When you have seen your love at their worst and knows every embarassing bits about the person, and you still accept him/her. You truly love this person.

Now that i’m outside the boundaries of my alumna, seen and met different kinds of people in different kinds of circumstances— i come back to “acceptance” with regards to where each of us came from, family, and how it affects our relationships.

“Acceptance is a make or a break in a relationship.”

I am hung up with the imperfections of my family and couldn’t muster accepting the circumstances of an overseas working mother and a dead father.

Its hard to embrace the changes and our differences, my mother and i, but i know, for our own sake, i must.

I know i love her, and that she loves me. But we have grown apart. How do you show your love?

We have some agreements but
Our words have different meanings when delivered
We choose different paths and
We both want to be heard

no one is relenting

Her — being the mother who sacrificed for her family
I — the daughter who was left behind

Both lived independently

I understand how it came to be like this but i am having a hard time accepting the consequence

But must i dwell on these facts? Or focus on my present?

Gates and Padlocks

16 Mar

Something about padlocks and gates that makes you think of
and maybe
the dreadful or hopeful “when”,
the sarcastic “again”,
the begging “no more”,
the irritating “not again”,
the romantic “key to my heart”…
Endless thoughts.

And this phrase with conflicting meanings:

“Make it last.”


to BE and not to BE

4 Mar

so how is this going to work?

how mature should i be?

here’s two things:

1. i get over the past, forget about it and ACT mature.

2. i tackle the past, make peace with it and BE mature?

these days, people want it all fast, instant.

no lingering, no dwelling and they do move on. but i doubt there’s no going back.

now, hear me.

i prefer the slow and hard way. i would want to choose that for myself.

i will be crying more, whining more… that’s how i want to recover.

they are immature acts, yes.

but it won’t stop there. i wouldn’t want it to stop there.

i will give it all; squeezed out all the tears, bring out all the negatives…

up to the point where i won’t be able to recognize the wrong things in my past

because there won’t be. i wouldn’t want it to be.

for every thing happens for a reason, right?

i believe that.

and when i’m ready.

i’ll be embracing today, my “present”.

then, maybe. hopefully. i’ll BE mature.

My Plea to You

24 Feb

Hang on to me.

My dear…
You are important to me.
Awhile ago,
Or days ago,
Or remember that one time…
One day…

What you said made me feel good.
What you did made me feel great.
What you are… affects me.
YOU matter to me.

And i am sorry you don’t hear me say these.

But please hang on to me.

When i push you away, cling closely.
When i seem to ignore you, tease me.
When i’m not around, find me.
When i don’t speak, make me.

I know, i might be (or already) asking too much from you.

But, you see,
What you said
What you did
What you are…

Your actions that surprises me
Makes me feel so grateful
Or so cared for
Or so loved
Or so beautiful

That i’m lost at words
To express all these
Or how much that affects me
Or enlightened me
Or inspired me
Or strengthened me
That i don’t speak up

Thus, i say no words
Just look at you
And maybe turn around
And proceed to my day.

I may have left you
But my feelings for you stayed
You have brightened my day.
And my thoughts are with you
You have me felt belonged.

I love you
I appreciate you
I adore you
I miss you
I need you

Please hang on to me.

My Valentine

15 Feb

Back in high school,
And its a valentines day,
You get an excuse to be corny,
You show your love with chocolates and roses.

When teenagers like me get kilig over boys with their flowers and chocolates,
I think of you and your bilins,
“Books before boys”, says mama,
“Bawal ang boyfriend. Grumaduate ka muna.”, says you, papa.

Well, however you two say it,
I get it. No boys. Period.
Diploma muna.
But i do have a boy in my life.

On valentines day i go home,
But on this special day,
I would stop by my friend’s book rental shop–
Not to rent a book (well, yes, maybe),
But you see, my friend also sells roses on valentines day.
So i go there and buy one long-stem of rose.
A rose for this special boy in my life.

This boy, this amazing and adorable boy,
He knows my priorities.
While he makes sure i study well,
He does my laundry,
Cooks my food,
Gives me rides to school,
Surprises me when i commute home
And plays hide and seek with me.

Yes, we argue.
But hey, when food’s ready,
we’re okay.
The best kind of relationship. Ever.
Why bother with boyfriends?

When the girls at my school
Wait for the boys,
Get kilig with anticipation,
When boyfriend-girlfriend was a “thing”,
I was the girl with books as my shield,
With shyness as my charm.
And i was okay.

Because with that boy,
My standards became high.
I knew then i deserve the kind of love those boys at my age could not give.
I knew i won’t be able to give the kind of love i need in return at that young age.

So, i held on.
I stuck with my books.
I listened to “the boy”
I was okay.

So when boys those days
Buy roses for their crushes and honeys,
I buy one for the boy.
I give him a rose.

At some point,
To my surprise and much delight,
The boy would give me chocolates.
That special boy…

He was my best friend,
My clown, my foundation.
That boy is my father.
My valentine.



29 May

Classic kwento ni Lola. Isang araw daw dahil sa kati ng ulo, nag-utos siya ng dalawang bata na kutu-an siya. Ang makakakuha ng kuto, may piso. Hala sige, hanap. Pero wala, hanggang sa nakatulog na si Lola. Maya-maya, yung isang bata alisto na sa pag-abot ng kuto. Meron nga, may nakuha! Ngayon, sinita ni Lola yung isang wala pang naiaabot. “Tignan mo maigi, imposibleng wala, ano ung binigay, iisa lang?” Tahimik lang bata, sa huli sumuko na yung dalawa at umuwi na at naglaro na sila.

Kinahapunan, nag-uwian na yung mga bata galing sa laro nila. Lumapit yung batang walang nakuhang kuto. “Apong, yung kanina hindi niyo kuto yun. Kinuha niya yun sa buhok niya.”

Imbes na magalit, natawa na lang si Lola at natawa na din yung bata. Hindi na daw nasabi kanina dahil sa ina. Binigyan na lang ni Lola yung bata ng singkas at sinabing huwag na niyang ikainggit yung piso.



Feelings on Writing

16 May

I am bereft by father, left by mother (for work abroad), and so, i am alone in the city. But i do have a constant reminder of what i need and want.

I live with my uncle’s wife and cousin who are so close to each other. When i see them, i feel lacking, jealous, out-of-place. I miss my parents. When i don’t see them, i feel the same ways too. But i miss my parents more.

When i go to work, and something or someone upsets me, it really gets into me. I couldn’t let go as easily amd readily before. Back then, when i’m feeling low, i would call or text my father, he’d answer back and cheer me up, or make me laugh. After that, i’m a clean slate again, the world can make a fool of me again. I would be okay.

But now, it’s becoming hard to get back on track. It’s becoming a challenge to believe one’s self or even forgive.

Sometimes, i dream of being lost, literally. To be some place new where i could not be reminded of things that connect to the past or even my attachment to the past. I would still miss them but it won’t be that painful.

But i can’t seem to move. I lost my drive, my power. I can’t seem to control things now. My will, my passion gone.

I feel distant with God. It’s my fault, i know. I do pray God forgives me for not trying hard, but i also pray He gives me courage to try harder.

I am writing all this in the hope that i may lighten my burden, clear my mind, and maybe give me hope. To realize my dilemma is “not that bad”.

There’s something in writing that makes me see how big i see little things or how small i perceive big things. Or how confusing i get as i type these thoughts.