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20 Nov

It hurts my heart. Knowing I may never make my mother understand why I am who I am.

I am who I am because of their decisions, of my upbringing and of them not witnessing my growing years.

I have been sharing my pain, begging her to understand why I am what I am.

That this is the product of my circumstances when let me be on my own.

I have spoken and written words, was brought to tears, dried my throat, hanged a call, thrown tantrums I am not proud of and I don’t know anymore.

I feel like a restless tiger inside a cage who just wants to be embraced.

But I think I have to stop fighting this.

And live NOW. I know somehow that if I keep at this I could loose myself entirely.

I must let go and not let this define me. I knew of that. But it is so hard to accept defeat when I know they are the core of my being.

When I know that I haven’t felt known to them.

I want to believe I am reaching the end of this desperation of being accepted and understood. My heart is tired. My mind is loosing focus. I must not. I must stop. I must GROW. I have to let go of the child who was left behind. The child whose innocence was snatched because no one was looking.

They say they sacrificed a lot for me.

And all I’m saying is I did too and I hurt.

I pray I won’t have to tell some hard truths Because I don’t think she will handle it well.

I don’t have to hurt, right?

For now, I’ll keep my secret and pretend to be what they want.

I’ll find my way. Someday.


Is it wrong?

21 Apr

A close cousin of mine just underwent an operation — and it still was not the solution. It was only for her to tolerate another 6-7 more weeks before she gives birth to her baby. By then, she will undergo another, more critical, operation. She has brain tumor. She’s only 24 years old.

Times like this, you’d expect a dark atmosphere, or gloomy family members. I was saddened by the news. 

But amidst all this, i can feel His presence. Like He’s just looming above us, ready for an embrace. It gives me light feelings most days. 

Is it wrong? Inspite of the chaos, i feel at peace. I feel loved. I feel blessed, my cousin included. 

Its Time

22 Dec

On December 22, when i was 22,
I sent you a message at 2 asking, “How are you?”.
And you answered, “Just fine” and “When will i see you?”.
(Pero alam mo namang uuwi ako nun, di ba?)

At 7 that evening, i received a call.
At 7:30, inside a taxi, i sent you one last plea.
At 7:30, that same evening, in an ER 6hours away from me, a doctor said, “Time of death…7:30”.

Sakripisyo ng mga Bayani part1

1 Sep

Argument number 1: ofw parents still thinks of their child as the child they left behind.

Example: iniwan na bata, binalikang teenager na

Still, they treat the child as bata kasi nga naman hindi nila nasaksihan paglaki ng anak.

This is not a blaming game ah, ito lang yung realidad na kailangan din sigurong intindihin na bawat sides ng ofw family para malaman kung paano mag-aadjust ang bawat panig. Kasi kids today are more advanced than kids before. Sobrang kalaban ang generation gap, lalo na at dalawang kultura din ang naglalayo sa pamilya.

Womb Connection

28 Aug

How do you make someone understand you when that person doesn’t even really know you?

When yours should have been the tightest relationship of all.
Continue reading

The Space Between

28 Aug

How to get by?

I’ve done it, i said my piece. I got my permission. I just have to go through formalities in getting out the chains and i’m free to move the reins.

But it seems my destination is reluctant to have me there.

But i really want to go. I need this break. I need to face her. I can’t bear this hopelessness any longer. I’m loosing faith. I can’t fall. And i can’t get lost. But soon, i know i will if i don’t do anything to stop it. So i must go. I have to move.


How to get by?


16 Mar

When i was in College i realized this,
“The key to love is acceptance.”

When you have seen your love at their worst and knows every embarassing bits about the person, and you still accept him/her. You truly love this person.

Now that i’m outside the boundaries of my alumna, seen and met different kinds of people in different kinds of circumstances— i come back to “acceptance” with regards to where each of us came from, family, and how it affects our relationships.

“Acceptance is a make or a break in a relationship.”

I am hung up with the imperfections of my family and couldn’t muster accepting the circumstances of an overseas working mother and a dead father.

Its hard to embrace the changes and our differences, my mother and i, but i know, for our own sake, i must.

I know i love her, and that she loves me. But we have grown apart. How do you show your love?

We have some agreements but
Our words have different meanings when delivered
We choose different paths and
We both want to be heard

no one is relenting

Her — being the mother who sacrificed for her family
I — the daughter who was left behind

Both lived independently

I understand how it came to be like this but i am having a hard time accepting the consequence

But must i dwell on these facts? Or focus on my present?

My Valentine

15 Feb

Back in high school,
And its a valentines day,
You get an excuse to be corny,
You show your love with chocolates and roses.

When teenagers like me get kilig over boys with their flowers and chocolates,
I think of you and your bilins,
“Books before boys”, says mama,
“Bawal ang boyfriend. Grumaduate ka muna.”, says you, papa.

Well, however you two say it,
I get it. No boys. Period.
Diploma muna.
But i do have a boy in my life.

On valentines day i go home,
But on this special day,
I would stop by my friend’s book rental shop–
Not to rent a book (well, yes, maybe),
But you see, my friend also sells roses on valentines day.
So i go there and buy one long-stem of rose.
A rose for this special boy in my life.

This boy, this amazing and adorable boy,
He knows my priorities.
While he makes sure i study well,
He does my laundry,
Cooks my food,
Gives me rides to school,
Surprises me when i commute home
And plays hide and seek with me.

Yes, we argue.
But hey, when food’s ready,
we’re okay.
The best kind of relationship. Ever.
Why bother with boyfriends?

When the girls at my school
Wait for the boys,
Get kilig with anticipation,
When boyfriend-girlfriend was a “thing”,
I was the girl with books as my shield,
With shyness as my charm.
And i was okay.

Because with that boy,
My standards became high.
I knew then i deserve the kind of love those boys at my age could not give.
I knew i won’t be able to give the kind of love i need in return at that young age.

So, i held on.
I stuck with my books.
I listened to “the boy”
I was okay.

So when boys those days
Buy roses for their crushes and honeys,
I buy one for the boy.
I give him a rose.

At some point,
To my surprise and much delight,
The boy would give me chocolates.
That special boy…

He was my best friend,
My clown, my foundation.
That boy is my father.
My valentine.



29 May

Classic kwento ni Lola. Isang araw daw dahil sa kati ng ulo, nag-utos siya ng dalawang bata na kutu-an siya. Ang makakakuha ng kuto, may piso. Hala sige, hanap. Pero wala, hanggang sa nakatulog na si Lola. Maya-maya, yung isang bata alisto na sa pag-abot ng kuto. Meron nga, may nakuha! Ngayon, sinita ni Lola yung isang wala pang naiaabot. “Tignan mo maigi, imposibleng wala, ano ung binigay, iisa lang?” Tahimik lang bata, sa huli sumuko na yung dalawa at umuwi na at naglaro na sila.

Kinahapunan, nag-uwian na yung mga bata galing sa laro nila. Lumapit yung batang walang nakuhang kuto. “Apong, yung kanina hindi niyo kuto yun. Kinuha niya yun sa buhok niya.”

Imbes na magalit, natawa na lang si Lola at natawa na din yung bata. Hindi na daw nasabi kanina dahil sa ina. Binigyan na lang ni Lola yung bata ng singkas at sinabing huwag na niyang ikainggit yung piso.



Feelings on Writing

16 May

I am bereft by father, left by mother (for work abroad), and so, i am alone in the city. But i do have a constant reminder of what i need and want.

I live with my uncle’s wife and cousin who are so close to each other. When i see them, i feel lacking, jealous, out-of-place. I miss my parents. When i don’t see them, i feel the same ways too. But i miss my parents more.

When i go to work, and something or someone upsets me, it really gets into me. I couldn’t let go as easily amd readily before. Back then, when i’m feeling low, i would call or text my father, he’d answer back and cheer me up, or make me laugh. After that, i’m a clean slate again, the world can make a fool of me again. I would be okay.

But now, it’s becoming hard to get back on track. It’s becoming a challenge to believe one’s self or even forgive.

Sometimes, i dream of being lost, literally. To be some place new where i could not be reminded of things that connect to the past or even my attachment to the past. I would still miss them but it won’t be that painful.

But i can’t seem to move. I lost my drive, my power. I can’t seem to control things now. My will, my passion gone.

I feel distant with God. It’s my fault, i know. I do pray God forgives me for not trying hard, but i also pray He gives me courage to try harder.

I am writing all this in the hope that i may lighten my burden, clear my mind, and maybe give me hope. To realize my dilemma is “not that bad”.

There’s something in writing that makes me see how big i see little things or how small i perceive big things. Or how confusing i get as i type these thoughts.