Tag Archives: moving on

Ngayon na nga ba ang SA WAKAS?

31 Aug

Ano ba itong pakiramdam na parang nakalutang sa alapaap at sa isipan, isang imahe ng kadenang napigtas?

Ano nga ba?

Ano ba itong parang pagluwag ng dibdib pagkatapos tumakbo ng tumakbo na parang may tinatakasan at sa isipan, mga katagang paulit-ulit: “Sa wakas…sa wakas”.

Nagsimula lahat ng niyan nang makita na kitang may kasama nang iba.

Pero nang balikan ko ang araw simula nang makita kita kasama niya at ng araw na huli tayong mag-usap pagkatapos ng mahabang katahimikan…

Kaibigan, nakawala ka na nga ba o kumapit lang sa iba?

Naghihintay na sana sa pagtagal, siya ang makapagpakawala sa’yo sa kadena

Dahil di ko naisip, pinakawalan nga kita sa hawla nating dalawa, pero ang kadenang nagdudugtong sa ating dalawa, kadenang iyong ginawa, hindi mo pa nasisira.

Ang malayang pakiramdam unti-unting bumaba mula sa alapaap. 
Ikaw nga ba’y masaya na o nagpapanggap? 

Kailan mo mahahagilap na hindi ako ang iyong pangarap?

At kailangan ko matatanggap, na hindi ikaw ang aking hanap?

Na ang kalungkutan ay hindi basehan para sa pag-iibigan?

Ang kalungkutan ko’y hindi ang iyong kawalan,

Kun’di ang kakayahan ng puso kong kumawala at maipagkatiwala sa iba ng lubusan. 

Pero ang kapal naman ng aking mukha para sa isiping di ka pa nakawala. Sana nga. Sana nga. 

Sa konting panahon, ako’y nakaramdam ng alapaap sa pag-aakalang ika’y nakatagpo na ng bagong pangarap, nang sa gayo’y ako nama’y mapanatag na ikaw at ako maaari nang bumalik sa pagkakaibigan nang walang masasaktan.

Ngayon na nga ba ang “Sa wakas.”? 

Muli, hihingi ng tawad nang walang wakas.

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HERE COMES THE BREAK-UP

30 Jul

the scene IN A RELATIONSHIP for 5, 6… 15 years?

Then suddenly, you’re SINGLE.

 

You keep hearing people say, “What a wasted years.” Or sympathies for the lost years spent with him.

Its like finding out your TRUTH is a MISTAKE. Or like you’ve been blind and suddenly you see. Or CAGED and finally you’re FREE.

 

Let me tell you this.

Those years are not wasted years. It’s not something “better left forgotten”. It is not a dark hole in your past. It is NOT NOTHING. It is SOMETHING because it’s a part of YOU.

 

DON’T WASTE a heartache to bitterness and other dark forces that’ll control your future.

EMBRACE IT for it happened for a reason; with a cause to make you better.

 

Remember the past. Relive the moments of happiness and of learnings.

Smile when you remember the butterflies, the chemistry, the excitement, the awesomeness, the laughters, the craziness. Feel the gratitude of having experienced those. NOT EVERYONE IS FORTUNATE to that.

Forgive the heartaches. Forgive him. Forgive yourself. ACCEPTANCE.

Relearn the lessons. SHARPEN YOURSELF.

And LOVE still.

GO ON.

Carry on without the person. NO REGRETS.

Be joyous for the love you had been given. Be amazed by the love you were capable of giving. LOVE IS A GIFT.

Beginning and Ending

30 Jan

To whomever,

To feel so empty; so bereft when visiting a parent’s grave after coming from a wedding is very unsettling. It clearly doesn’t promise a positive day ahead.

My sensitivity this past few weeks tripled. Everything feels wrong. You’d think you’re becoming a monster, or something to that effect.

Shouting is so tempting. Just to free your mind. or relax.
You forget manners for the sake of silence or space or aloneness. People are so hard-headed. They just can’t leave a person alone.

A brooding look, a sigh, or even a frown would invite someone to pat your back and try to console you.

“That is life.”
“Everything is going to be alright.”
“I miss him too.”

You try to appreciate that but at that moment you just don’t care.
You just want silence and peace. You just want to be alone. Sympathy becomes unbearable because they could only irk you to no end.
Clearly, you don’t want sympathy because you know that already. You feel that already.

People are hopeless.
And more.

“He’s in good hands now.”
“He’s happy.”

Of course, i know that. That’s the only consolation i could think of. He had a good life.

I just want to miss him. Remember him. I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to get over the fact that he’s gone. I don’t want to forget him.

When i cry, there could only be three reasons behind it. One, i’m missing the things he did for me. Two, i’m missing the things i could have done for him. And three, i’m missing the things he could have done for me.

If you could even miss things that haven’t even done, that is.

I realize my father, only him, brings out the best and worst of me. And i miss him so. I wanted him to be proud of me. I miss confessing to him and hearing he’s say on the matter. He’s the only one in my family i could accept criticism or even judgment without feeling defensive. His opinion matters to me.
His opinion moves me.

Hardheaded and hopeless,

Me
Jan. 30, 2013

PS: Hoping.

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