Beginning and Ending

30 Jan

To whomever,

To feel so empty; so bereft when visiting a parent’s grave after coming from a wedding is very unsettling. It clearly doesn’t promise a positive day ahead.

My sensitivity this past few weeks tripled. Everything feels wrong. You’d think you’re becoming a monster, or something to that effect.

Shouting is so tempting. Just to free your mind. or relax.
You forget manners for the sake of silence or space or aloneness. People are so hard-headed. They just can’t leave a person alone.

A brooding look, a sigh, or even a frown would invite someone to pat your back and try to console you.

“That is life.”
“Everything is going to be alright.”
“I miss him too.”

You try to appreciate that but at that moment you just don’t care.
You just want silence and peace. You just want to be alone. Sympathy becomes unbearable because they could only irk you to no end.
Clearly, you don’t want sympathy because you know that already. You feel that already.

People are hopeless.
And more.

“He’s in good hands now.”
“He’s happy.”

Of course, i know that. That’s the only consolation i could think of. He had a good life.

I just want to miss him. Remember him. I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to get over the fact that he’s gone. I don’t want to forget him.

When i cry, there could only be three reasons behind it. One, i’m missing the things he did for me. Two, i’m missing the things i could have done for him. And three, i’m missing the things he could have done for me.

If you could even miss things that haven’t even done, that is.

I realize my father, only him, brings out the best and worst of me. And i miss him so. I wanted him to be proud of me. I miss confessing to him and hearing he’s say on the matter. He’s the only one in my family i could accept criticism or even judgment without feeling defensive. His opinion matters to me.
His opinion moves me.

Hardheaded and hopeless,

Jan. 30, 2013

PS: Hoping.


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