Salamin

22 Nov

Inspired by Omar and Osly

Magkamukha, madalas sabihin ng iba.

Bakit hindi nila nakikita ang tunay na katauhan nating dalawa?

Oo pala. Magkamukha hindi lang sa mukha, pati sa damit, sa lahat ng gamit.

Oo nga pala. Pati sa kurso, sinundan kita.

Lumayo tayong dalawa sa mga mapanghusgang mga mata.

Lumipad tayo. Sinubok mangarap ngunit nadala.

Nagising akong gusto na ding lumayo sa yo.

Dahil sa mundong ating narating, nasundan tayo ng mga matang nagdidikta, nanlalamang, mapanghusga!

Kinulong muli tayo sa hawla, na ikaw ay ako at ako ay ikaw!

Ang pagkakaibang kanilang makita — pagkukulang ng isa.

“Tignan mo siya, naiiba.”

“Bakit hindi ka tumulas sa kanya, nangunguna?”

Sa puntong ito, ginusto kong basagin ang salamin at hindi pumares sa iyong mga adhikain.

Ginusto kong kumawala at ganun ka din.

Nagwagi sila, pinaramdam nila na tayo’y magkalaban.

Sa aking pag-iisa, niyakap ko ang kawalan, ang espasyo na dati mong kinalagyan.

Nahanap ko ang sarili kong pagkakakilanlan.

Tama nga pala ako.

Tama ang naiisip ko noon na pilit kong binabaon.

Magkaiba nga tayo, tol.

Masaya ako sa katahimikan, mas kampante kasama ang mga kaibigan.

Pinipili ko ang aking susuyuin, mas gusto mo namang jowain saka kilatisin.

Marami pa, bro.

Pero ito ang sigurado — marami pa tayong madidiskubre sa ating mga sarili.

At ito pa ang tumino sa eksperimentong ito —

namiss kita, Tol!

Hindi ikaw ang kalaban.

Walang kailangang patunayan sa mga taong hindi kailanman matatahimik sa katotohanan.

Mahal kita, Tol!

— Ang Proud Mong Kambal

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Someday

20 Nov

It hurts my heart. Knowing I may never make my mother understand why I am who I am.

I am who I am because of their decisions, of my upbringing and of them not witnessing my growing years.

I have been sharing my pain, begging her to understand why I am what I am.

That this is the product of my circumstances when let me be on my own.

I have spoken and written words, was brought to tears, dried my throat, hanged a call, thrown tantrums I am not proud of and I don’t know anymore.

I feel like a restless tiger inside a cage who just wants to be embraced.

But I think I have to stop fighting this.

And live NOW. I know somehow that if I keep at this I could loose myself entirely.

I must let go and not let this define me. I knew of that. But it is so hard to accept defeat when I know they are the core of my being.

When I know that I haven’t felt known to them.

I want to believe I am reaching the end of this desperation of being accepted and understood. My heart is tired. My mind is loosing focus. I must not. I must stop. I must GROW. I have to let go of the child who was left behind. The child whose innocence was snatched because no one was looking.

They say they sacrificed a lot for me.

And all I’m saying is I did too and I hurt.

I pray I won’t have to tell some hard truths Because I don’t think she will handle it well.

I don’t have to hurt, right?

For now, I’ll keep my secret and pretend to be what they want.

I’ll find my way. Someday.

mother

18 Oct

I am writing this with hurt and fresh feelings.

Still, I’ll continue writing it for it matters to me and these thoughts need to materialize.

I have an unbreakable connection with my mother.

I think its love but its toxic.

I believe that each is her own important person.

But words exchanged are engraved, deeply, although not all necessarily.

She brought me to this world, passed me to her own mother, my father’s mother and then my father, and then an aunt and then, well even during those times, to myself.

I have lived at different places without the constant company and nurture of a mother.

Then years later…

I feel breakable when we disagree.

I can’t seem to move on from her toxic handling of “concern” for me.

Her words becomes a curse. It weakens me.

I feel like I have to lessen our interactions for my sanity.

Still, I dream of having her by my side and being “motherly”.

I dream of her warm hugs that seldom happen.

I know she cares. And I know of her “sacrifices” that’s why sometimes I give her tips how to handle me.

The “me” she wasn’t able to witness grow. The “me” who had to learn on her own. The “me” she was constantly blaming for things not to be fault at or maybe she just can’t accept or comprehend.

I try to help her take care of me but sometimes when she follows, it wouldn’t feel satisfactory.

And often times, she wouldn’t listen and insist on her own “maternal” instinct.

She stayed at another country more than she did her own. I can only count on at least less a thousand days on my 28 years of existence the time we were together.

I guess, she knows more about me as she likes to remind me because I came from her.

But mother, we grew apart. I am fully grown and still we’re apart. M

ost of the times you forget I’m not a toddler. But I must admit, there is still a child in me who longs for the “mother” she never had.

Don’t get me wrong, I love you. It’s just that I’m mostly hurt by you.

Sorry if it hurts, or irritates you.

Maybe tomorrow, I’ll be okay. For sure.

 

LDR

12 Feb

Bakit ganito kasakit

Ang kapalit ng iyong pag- alis?

Maraming taon

Ngunit konting pagkakataon

Sabagay ganun din noong ako’y

Sampung taon

Maraming nakapaligid

Pero nabibilang ang bigkas ng bibig

Nagpalipat-lipat ng lugar

Hanggang wala ng makilala maliban sa isa o dalawa.

Hindi ako nahilig makichika

O mangumusta sa iba

Yan na ako, simula pa

Wala pa noon ang sakit

Noon, isa lamang akong paslit

Isang dakilang manonood

Ng mga tao sa aking paligid

Bakit ganito kasakit

Ang kapalit ng iyong pag- alis?

Wag mo akong tanungin

Bakit wala akong oras sa iyong daing

Wag mo akong sisihin

Kung hindi ako malambing

Ang TV ang aking gabay

Lumaki akong wala namang nanlalambing

Pinalaki akong matatakutin

Ang sabi nga ng iba’y manang na din

Kaya patawad kong hindi ako

Ang ideal mong maging

Pero kung laging mali ko ang ipaparating

At ang daing di iindahin

Saan na tayo papadparin?

Kung parehas tayong ang hiling

Ang isa sa atin ay dinggin

At wala sa atin handang makinig

O Bakit ganito kasakit,

Ang kapalit ng iyong pag- alis?

N.O.W ends here

5 Feb

It all boils down to today.

There is no “future” as it is only a figment of the mind. There’s only “then” and “now”.

Don’t stress yourself over tomorrow. But if you ever do, as humans are prone to, take a break from the world and ask yourself, 

“Am i happy?” 

“Am i satisfied?”

Don’t think. FEEL. Right this moment. We are our emotions. We are reigned by it.  

Yes, i admit, i won’t be always going to think like this. If only we could not worry all the time as if our time here on Earth is only borrowed. Oh wait, it is.
But this is a moment where i could be centered on the “present”– of the “gift” of life and evaluate then and now. So i would. Because i can. 

So, i will tell you again.

There is no “tomorrow” until it happens. Why worry now?

The time you first started to read this is different from the state you’re in when you’re here now. At the end. Of N.O.W.

Mahal Mo Ako (Di Ba?)

30 Sep

Mahal mo ako, iyan ang sabi mo.

Mahal mo ako kahit noong hindi pa tayo.

Nakakalungkot lang

Mahal mo nga ako pero wala kang tiwala sa “tayo”.

MAHAL. MO.  AKO. Naririnig mo ba yang sarili mo? 

Uulit-ulitin ko, hanggang maging malinaw sayo:

Ang sabi mo, mahal mo ako.

Pero kinukumpara mo ako sa nakaraan mo.

Binuksan mo nga ang pintuan dyan sa puso,

Pero tinutulak mo naman ako palayo.

Pakinggan mo nga yang sarili mo, isa pa, mahal mo ako.

Pero wala kang balak pagkatiwalaan ako

Wala kang balak kilalanin ako.

Una, magkaiba kami ng mukha

Pangalawa, hindi kami parehas ng ina

Pero kahit na, walang dalawang taong magkapareha

Ikaw, ang sabi mo mahal mo ako

Buti sana kung hindi pa tayo,

Hahayaan kitang pagdudahan ako

Pero sinuyo mo ako at naging tayo

At nang magsimula tayo, doon ka nagbago

“Baka lokohin mo din ako.”, iyan ang sinabi mo

Kaya, pangatlo, baka hindi malinaw, hindi ako ang ex mo

Utang na loob, buksan mo yang mga mata mo

Mahalin mo ang nasa harapan mo

Ilayo mo ako sa babaeng nanloko sayo

Magsisimula pa lang tayo 

Pero pinapatay mo na ang relasyong ito

Wag mong ikumpara ang “tayo” sa multo ng kahapon 

Wag mong hayaan na takot ang manalo

Bigyan mo ako ng pagkakataon na lumaban

Bigyan mo ako ng panahon na ika’y alagaan

Gusto kitang mahalin dahil ikaw,

Nakikita kita: ang mga mata mong nagsusumamong ibigin

Kaya paraanin mo ako, mahal ko

Dahil mahal kita

Bigyan mo ako ng pagkakataon na mahalin ka

Wag mo akong itulak palayo

Dahil nagsisimula pa lang tayo

Mahal mo ako, di ba?

Mahal din kita.

T-A-N-G-A

3 Aug

Todo akong magmahal

iAalay buo kong dangal

iiNdahin lahat ng bawal

daiG ko pa nga ang iyong mahal

na sA dulo ika’y tinalikuran
Tandaan mo ito

mAmahalin kita hanggang dulo

maNalig ka sa aking puso

hanGgang sa itakwil mo

tangA na kung tanga 
MagpapakaTANGA para lang  sayo

Ang G*go at ang T*nga

28 Jul

Ang sagot ng tanga sa gagoOo malibog ka pero yan lang ba ang panlaban mo?

Puro tawag ng laman

Kaluluwa mo nama’y kawalan 

Walang laman, walang maipaglaban
Sa relasyong pilit binubuo

Sa pag-ibig na nanggaling sayo

Pagmamahal na ngayo’y sinayang mo
Sayang, ikaw na sana ang pinakamasaya 

Ang hari ng buhay ko

Sayang, ikaw sana’y naaalagaan

Gaya ng binigay ng nanay mo

Sayo na sana ako

Pero sinayang mo

Wala ka na sanang sakit sa ulo

Kasi hihilutin ko

Sayang, may libre ka na sanang 

Yaya nanay, reyna

Winalanag bahala mo
Pero buti na lang, 

Inalis kita sa buhay ko

Maswerte pa rin ako

Nawala ka sa buhay ko

Wala ng gago, 

Hindi na tanga, gaya mo

Red and Bleak

4 Jun

It happened so #fast

It was a #blur

All was #bleak

But you, the lone #color
You see, I ignored the signs

And man, you made me blind

You took away my heart

I was empty and free
Now i see, 

you stole the fire in me

Alas! I was that color

(You traitor!)

🤦🏻‍♀️

But I won’t give chase

Please, go on keep my color

I hope you blend with it
My fire, although defused

Will be lit, don’t be confused

‘Cause my heart, it multiplies
There will come a time

When this bleak world would be lit

The Cycle

20 Apr

I have reached this place beforeI have felt these feelings before

I have written about it before

It’s all happening again. 

Indeed, this place is a circle.
Endlessly searching, struggling, pushing, loosing, trying… it never ends. 

But i hope to stop somewhere in the circumference,

Just to pause somewhere in this endless cycle

To rest in a place where my feelings lock-in

Where i will feel the speed, the rust, the adrenaline of my journey feels comfortable to just BE

To continue in a momentum where i feel like flying when i was running 

When i no longer have to struggle to breathe but to just BE
But i may not even make sense

Just trying to BE